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Not Mine to Make

Posted: May 29th, 2008 | Author: Brian | Filed under: Life in General | 1 Comment »
What kind of god do we play when we make choices for those who cannot yet choose?
I’m wrestling with something that needs closure, a mental check mark next to it on the To Do List in my brain. And with only four weeks left until The Kid™ arrives, my old friend panic seems to have taken up residence with little invitation from me.
Ever since I started keeping my mumblings online, back in 2003, I’ve been contemplating this. I’ve both asked and answered the same nagging query: why write publicly? I even distinctly recall my own mother posing to me this very question, accompanied by a concerned plea that only a mother could give, “When you have children, please don’t write about them on the internet.” And now, it seems, it’s time to make a decision.
I started down this road to create a humble home for my thoughts, somewhere to lay down memories in front of me like cards from a deck in an effort to commit them to Permanent Me. Some days this is a mental warm-up that prefaces the (hopefully) creative visual work at my job. Other days it ends up as more of a drain cleaner, flushing the lines of my brain before I get to the grind. I even thought that perhaps this could one day be a record of my transition to adulthood for both myself and my children, something that both parties could explore like quaint antique stores on a Sunday afternoon. But yet now I come to a point where even the best intentions seem to stumble, to pause.
Around these parts, I try not to mention names unless I’ve asked that person for permission. Privacy and anonymity are priceless in this world, and I am surely not the gatekeeper of paths that put either at risk. But what happens when you have a child? Who decides if they should be named, written about, photographed and shared for an international audience to consume? I suppose I could ask him or her when we finally meet, but I imagine they’ll be rather tight-lipped about it for quite awhile. And I’d prefer to get off on the right foot.
So the war within me still rages on, deadline hanging over my head like a raincloud. For while this little, bald package will likely be one of the greatest inspirations of my life, I also respect his/her right to choose their own future. Does my own tiny sandbox here continue to reflect every facet of my personal life, or does the name, image and plot line of my child remain sacrosanct until they are able to consciously answer with their own unwavering voice?
Hell if I know. Maybe I should ask Jonas what he thinks. After all, I very well may have mistaken his emphatic WOOF! as consent. And look where that got us, two years in and we’re still not best friends. I think he’s still sore after the whole “throw you off the overpass” thing.

One Comment on “Not Mine to Make”

  1. 1 Rudy said at 10:22 pm on May 29th, 2008:

    B – why not just create a mini-sandbox of your own in your virtual land where you can create and write the stories but not publish them for all to see? I’m thinking somewhat like the “private journal” entries on Livejournal, but it could just as easily be saved on your PC only.